Current mood:	contemplative
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Identity Me
This came up in conversation at work of all places and I saw another reference to identity that compelled me to jot down another bit of the past.

As I've mentioned, I did a stint in the Army. I joined out of HS for a multitude of reasons. (Another story.) I was a Patriot missile technician/operator which, as far as Army jobs go, is pretty technical. Seemed the right sort of thing for me to do.

If you knew me then or know me now the concept of me in the Army is a little hard to fathom. (Hell, it's hard for me. It is almost unreal.) It wasn't particularly easy. I did alright, enjoyed working on the missile system, but didn't really enjoy the "Army Life".

More beneath the cut...


I was sort of a cut-up, you see. I had (shh) books in my room. Quite a few, considering. Even worse, I had a computer. This struck some of the senior people as pretty deviant behavior (especially in the late 80s). I didn't amuse myself with blowing what little money they gave me on going out drinking, which was really the more acceptable norm. (Not that I never did go out, but it was an effort that I was always hesitant to make. I found it an awkward experience. I got a few interesting stories out of the times I did go, but little else that I can even remotely find rewarding.)

It's understandable that drinking was a big thing. It was stressful work. Long hours, little pay. (I averaged over 110 hours a week for a good stretch. No, really, 110. Duty shifts were 36 hours for what I did.) I personally turned to my books and tried to get out as much as I could to unwind. Much rather sleep so that I could get out on the rare day I had off than sleep away my free time hung over.

The books and such weren't enough and were actually a bit of a problem do to their "unnatural" nature. I caught a lot more unwanted attention than I wanted to. I did bond with a few of my co-workers and did very well at my job (got a medal, even). I wasn't happy however, and I slowly became less and less so.

Well, there's the setup. Me (in Germany) working my ass off and getting more and more unhappy.

After I had been in Germany for several months I had an unusual opportunity. My Uncle, who was in the Air Force, was stationed near me. His presence was one of the few things that kept me going. He could take me places and get me the hell out of things for a brief while here and there. The opportunity that I got (that he provided) was getting a chance to visit with my Grandparents over to visit him. I managed to take a few days off with them and travel around a little.

I enjoyed myself thoroughly. I felt like a weight was lifted off of my chest.

After my leave had ended I found myself back in the barracks lying in bed, staring into space and reflecting on the time I had just spent with my family. Why was I so happy and content? Why was I dreading getting up at 4:30 and starting my other life again? It began to become clear to me that it was, in fact, another life I was living. A life that required a serious realignment of self to adjust to effectively. I had to change to make it work. I, in fact, had been making such change (slowly).

I had a moment of blinding truth... I realized I didn't want to change to fit. I realized that I had been truly my "old" self for a few days and, holy shit, I actually liked that old self. That was me. It blew me away. I was never particularly happy with myself and had a pretty low self image. I was certainly flawed, but I had finally realized that I liked the core of who I was.

That epiphany is what this entry is all about. Backed up against the wall I was forced to decide between my real identity and the identities I and others thought I should have. It set up a descent into hell, but was a fundamental turning point in my life. (I'll spare the hell story (again) for another time.)